This week marks a really important week for me in exploring feminism. I started seriously looking into feminism at the beginning of this year because a friend of mine (who was pregnant at the time) added me to the Caribbean Feminists Group on Facebook.
This week I left the group (or got kicked out, but it was my fault). This is in fact somehow a failure of mine, because I had given myself the mission to stay in the group and to challenge the things they said that I saw as wrong. A lot of emotions about feminism were felt this year as I explored the movement and I would like to give a summary of them now.
At first I just thought it was unnatural, that it contradicted “biology” in every way. This was the case since the things that they were saying DO in fact contradict my biological inclinations. But now I see that not everyone feels the same biological inclinations as me. After learning that these women actually do not want to submit to men and want to lead, and are therefore not the same as me on a biological level, I was more open-minded to the idea of feminism. I thought, okay maybe they have a point.
They do not want to be traditional women, I want to be a traditional woman… therefore what we need is a compromise. A world where women can do both, my feelings towards feminism then changed from confusion and complete rejection to fear. I feared that these women were just as close-minded as I had once been. I was afraid that they did not see that people like me exists and that in their quest to escape what they feel to be societal oppression (for all women) they were unable to see that it is not oppression to all women and that in fact it is a form of liberation to the women who prefer traditionalism.
I argued with them that real freedom for women was not only the sexual freedom to be sluts without shame but also the sexual freedom to be married, wives without shame. I argued that as much as they campaign for women to enter the science and politician roles they need to start campaigning for women to be stay at home wives and mothers. I argued that freedom does not come from being a wife, or from being the president but rather from having both options available. I tried to use myself as an example of a woman who wants to be in the home and who has no desire to work.
Their usual reply to this argument was “yes and that is what feminism is”. You can be a housewife right? Nothing is stopping you they would say. But it is really not that simple, I argued there are women who want to be housewives but cannot because those opportunities are decreasing because of the actions that feminists lobby for. They would then use words like equality and historical context or systematic privileges that wives and mothers have to fumble their way through an argument which ultimately was them saying we do not care about women who want to be housewives because we are not them!
This week I left the group because of an argument. The argument was over BDSM and plantation houses. That article was posted to the page and they all expressed disgust over how sick and brainwashed a black person would have to be not only to do something like that but even to practice BDSM with a white person as a submissive. As you know from my post before I like BDSM and submission. I was very much offended by what they were saying and argued the usual “this is not feminism!”. To shame me for my sexual desires is not something that feminism is supposed to be about.
I got insults from two people saying I was downright stupid and unintelligent. I was told that black people have been through too much to put themselves in that position. I was told that I need therapy. And being a black woman with a white husband who finds BDSM very arousing this all hurt a lot. I ended up being brought to tears over insults from people who had never even met me. They were also disturbed by the conversation as they blocked me from posting, and then I left the group, I failed and I left the group. It was just too much for me. It was just too much lol.
So that is the end of my membership to the Caribbean Feminist Group. I learnt two new things from being there and re-learnt one thing:
- WE ARE NOT ALL THE SAME (not only via different experiences but also via inate different biological inclinations and desires)
- MY EXPERIENCES AND DESIRES ARE NOT REPRESENTATIVE OF ALL WOMEN
- FEMINISM AND FEMINISTS ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS AND MY ISSUES ARE MORE WITH FEMINISTS THAN WITH FEMINISM (though I still find the concept of male female equality unreasonable).
So yea that is what this year has taught me, it was not an easy journey and took a lot from me emotionally speaking.